FAQ
This FAQ consists of the most frequently asked questions at my place of work. I am answering them rudely here because it takes all I have to answer them politely all day long.
1. Q: "Where can I smoke?"
A: Outside, just like in all the other bars in this state and many others. Yes, you gotta bring your boarding pass and your ID, and yes, you're gonna have to wait in the line at security again, and no, TSA isn't going to let you cut the line.
The inevitable follow-up question is, "Where do you smoke?" And the answer? Wait for it, it's a real doozy:
Outside. Yes. We, the employees, do truly, genuinely take our cigarettes outside, and we have to go back through security when we come back, and our nametags always ring in the metal detector. It's a pain in the ass. There is no Secret For Employees Only way to get in and out, because the technical term for such a thing is "Security Breach". And it would be more than my job's worth to even try it.
2. Q: "Where's the exit?"
A: See that sign that says Exit To Baggage Claim?
Do you really want me to say anything else? I didn't think so.
3. Q: "Can I see a menu?"
A: Yes. It's on that thing right in front of you, that's on all the tables: that standy-uppy thing that says "MENU" on it. There's a page called "Food". I'm sorry if that sounds snarky, but I really don't know how else to say it. (It's also on the wall under the neon sign that says "MENU" but I often refrain from pointing that out because it just seems rude.)
4. Q: "What do you have on draft?"
A: There's a list in the menu in front of you, and also the taps are visible clear across the room. I will list them once, and will try not to say it too fast, but if you ask again, I'm giving you the Micro Machine Man version.
SamAdamsBostonLagerLabattBlueMolsonCanadianMillerLiteBudweiserYuenglingHeineken.
Don't ask me to list all of them if you know what you want and will only just order the one you wanted whether or not it's in the list. I am going to be snarky. You deserve it.
5. Q: "Are your wings good?"
A: I have a vested interest in you buying some. I don't know if it disgusts me or heartens me that people actually trust my opinion, as a salesperson, on the quality of my own products. I also don't know if it's disgusting or heartening that my coworkers and I are usually pretty honest. Are the wings good? Usually, yes, especially if Miss B or Ron or maybe Colin is cooking. (I don't really bother remembering the names of the ones who don't cook them well, because they don't last. But Miss B has been cooking wings here since the eighties.)
6. Q: "Can we hear the airport announcements in here?"
A: That depends. Is the TV turned up? Are there loud people in here? Can you hear me? Did you hear the announcement they just made about the white pickup with Ontario plates parked in the departures lane that's going to get ticketed and towed? You can probably answer your own question, if you think about it, which is kind of true of most of the questions people ask. Hence my rude tone in most of these answers.
7. Q: "Can you change the TV channel to put the game/golf/race on?"
A: That depends. Is it going to be worth my while? The answer is probably no, and the more you harass me the less likely I am to do it, but you are going to consider yourself entitled to act like a complete asshole until I do, whereupon someone else is going to disagree with the channel selection and take over your asshole duties until either I cry or your flights finally fucking leave. So, you know, whatever, but one of these days I'm going postal. With, er, a plastic knife, because I have to go through the same security screening as you, but anyway it won't be pretty. I'm a goddamn plastic knife ninja over here. My nametag might make a good shuriken... [And I here offer a silent prayer: Thank fuck the goddamned fucking World fucking Cup is fucking over because soccer fans don't tip you dick.]
8. Q: "How much is a drink?"
A: You know what? Different drinks have different prices. Tell me what you want and I'll tell you what it costs, but I'll also tell you this: it's a goddamned airport. There is no way you're getting value for your money. A good bartender will try to take care of a good customer, sure, and we'll do all we can to make sure your experience is worth your while-- if you're a good customer-- but the corollary to that is this: if you're grilling me about the price list, you are not going to be a good customer, I can guarantee. If you're worried about it, bring a flask from home and go sit by your damn gate. I can't help you; I have good customers to worry about.
9. Q: "Is there another place to eat in this airport?"
A: Yes, but if you're leaving because our prices are too high and our selection too small, I should point out that all the restaurants are run by the same concessions company, and if in fact you are leaving because I've cut you off and you want another drink, you really ought to know that I just got off the phone with the other bartenders at the other restaurants and they know you're coming. Don't try just changing your shirt either; we get that all the time, and we won't hesitate to have a manager come down and confirm that you're the same belligerent dumbass that just got tossed out of the place down the hall. We are all coworkers and yes, we go out together after work and gossip about you if you do anything amusing, and if you don't we drink together to forget about you.
10. Q: "Will my plane leave without me?"
A: Are there people on standby, or is the flight overbooked? Hell yes they will leave your ass here. Any way they can pretend it's your fault you're not home yet, they'll take it. If they have to bump someone they have to give that person all kinds of stuff-- tickets, food vouchers, travel vouchers, hotel vouchers, etcetera. If your dumb ass is sitting in the bar when the flight boards, and you don't come when they call you, then they don't have to give you jack. They'll rebook you like they're doing you some kind of favor, and happily seat that poor desperate kid who's been sitting at the gate all day trying to get a flight while you were over here drinking like an idiot.
Of course, if there are empty seats on the plane, and three or four of you in here, they'll send a gate attendant down to the bar to look for you. They don't like it when people miss their flights either, but they'd rather leave a drunk than bump a paying customer.
That's the top ten. The #2 most frequently asked question would blow my cover, because it's about an item on the menu that you can only get in this city and yet our goddamn geniuses of management staff have not seen fit to explain it on the menu, with the result that 3/4 of the customers either don't get it because they don't know what it is, or get it and are displeased because it's not what they thought, and the other 1/4 trip up the waitresses when it's insanely busy and waste our time trying to get us to explain the menu item. But, sadly, if I tell you what it is, you'll know where I am, and then my silly pretense of anonymity is blown.
1. Q: "Where can I smoke?"
A: Outside, just like in all the other bars in this state and many others. Yes, you gotta bring your boarding pass and your ID, and yes, you're gonna have to wait in the line at security again, and no, TSA isn't going to let you cut the line.
The inevitable follow-up question is, "Where do you smoke?" And the answer? Wait for it, it's a real doozy:
Outside. Yes. We, the employees, do truly, genuinely take our cigarettes outside, and we have to go back through security when we come back, and our nametags always ring in the metal detector. It's a pain in the ass. There is no Secret For Employees Only way to get in and out, because the technical term for such a thing is "Security Breach". And it would be more than my job's worth to even try it.
2. Q: "Where's the exit?"
A: See that sign that says Exit To Baggage Claim?
Do you really want me to say anything else? I didn't think so.
3. Q: "Can I see a menu?"
A: Yes. It's on that thing right in front of you, that's on all the tables: that standy-uppy thing that says "MENU" on it. There's a page called "Food". I'm sorry if that sounds snarky, but I really don't know how else to say it. (It's also on the wall under the neon sign that says "MENU" but I often refrain from pointing that out because it just seems rude.)
4. Q: "What do you have on draft?"
A: There's a list in the menu in front of you, and also the taps are visible clear across the room. I will list them once, and will try not to say it too fast, but if you ask again, I'm giving you the Micro Machine Man version.
SamAdamsBostonLagerLabattBlueMolsonCanadianMillerLiteBudweiserYuenglingHeineken.
Don't ask me to list all of them if you know what you want and will only just order the one you wanted whether or not it's in the list. I am going to be snarky. You deserve it.
5. Q: "Are your wings good?"
A: I have a vested interest in you buying some. I don't know if it disgusts me or heartens me that people actually trust my opinion, as a salesperson, on the quality of my own products. I also don't know if it's disgusting or heartening that my coworkers and I are usually pretty honest. Are the wings good? Usually, yes, especially if Miss B or Ron or maybe Colin is cooking. (I don't really bother remembering the names of the ones who don't cook them well, because they don't last. But Miss B has been cooking wings here since the eighties.)
6. Q: "Can we hear the airport announcements in here?"
A: That depends. Is the TV turned up? Are there loud people in here? Can you hear me? Did you hear the announcement they just made about the white pickup with Ontario plates parked in the departures lane that's going to get ticketed and towed? You can probably answer your own question, if you think about it, which is kind of true of most of the questions people ask. Hence my rude tone in most of these answers.
7. Q: "Can you change the TV channel to put the game/golf/race on?"
A: That depends. Is it going to be worth my while? The answer is probably no, and the more you harass me the less likely I am to do it, but you are going to consider yourself entitled to act like a complete asshole until I do, whereupon someone else is going to disagree with the channel selection and take over your asshole duties until either I cry or your flights finally fucking leave. So, you know, whatever, but one of these days I'm going postal. With, er, a plastic knife, because I have to go through the same security screening as you, but anyway it won't be pretty. I'm a goddamn plastic knife ninja over here. My nametag might make a good shuriken... [And I here offer a silent prayer: Thank fuck the goddamned fucking World fucking Cup is fucking over because soccer fans don't tip you dick.]
8. Q: "How much is a drink?"
A: You know what? Different drinks have different prices. Tell me what you want and I'll tell you what it costs, but I'll also tell you this: it's a goddamned airport. There is no way you're getting value for your money. A good bartender will try to take care of a good customer, sure, and we'll do all we can to make sure your experience is worth your while-- if you're a good customer-- but the corollary to that is this: if you're grilling me about the price list, you are not going to be a good customer, I can guarantee. If you're worried about it, bring a flask from home and go sit by your damn gate. I can't help you; I have good customers to worry about.
9. Q: "Is there another place to eat in this airport?"
A: Yes, but if you're leaving because our prices are too high and our selection too small, I should point out that all the restaurants are run by the same concessions company, and if in fact you are leaving because I've cut you off and you want another drink, you really ought to know that I just got off the phone with the other bartenders at the other restaurants and they know you're coming. Don't try just changing your shirt either; we get that all the time, and we won't hesitate to have a manager come down and confirm that you're the same belligerent dumbass that just got tossed out of the place down the hall. We are all coworkers and yes, we go out together after work and gossip about you if you do anything amusing, and if you don't we drink together to forget about you.
10. Q: "Will my plane leave without me?"
A: Are there people on standby, or is the flight overbooked? Hell yes they will leave your ass here. Any way they can pretend it's your fault you're not home yet, they'll take it. If they have to bump someone they have to give that person all kinds of stuff-- tickets, food vouchers, travel vouchers, hotel vouchers, etcetera. If your dumb ass is sitting in the bar when the flight boards, and you don't come when they call you, then they don't have to give you jack. They'll rebook you like they're doing you some kind of favor, and happily seat that poor desperate kid who's been sitting at the gate all day trying to get a flight while you were over here drinking like an idiot.
Of course, if there are empty seats on the plane, and three or four of you in here, they'll send a gate attendant down to the bar to look for you. They don't like it when people miss their flights either, but they'd rather leave a drunk than bump a paying customer.
That's the top ten. The #2 most frequently asked question would blow my cover, because it's about an item on the menu that you can only get in this city and yet our goddamn geniuses of management staff have not seen fit to explain it on the menu, with the result that 3/4 of the customers either don't get it because they don't know what it is, or get it and are displeased because it's not what they thought, and the other 1/4 trip up the waitresses when it's insanely busy and waste our time trying to get us to explain the menu item. But, sadly, if I tell you what it is, you'll know where I am, and then my silly pretense of anonymity is blown.
posted by airportbartender at 9:55 AM
1 Comments:
Ah yes...I enjoyed this post as well. Keep up the good humor.
Post a Comment
<< Home